CAMP NAME: TRAUSCH (sounds like "trout" + "trash")
Trausch was the first person at COSI to decide that Chelsie's bubbly pink & blonde personality was just "too much" and then accidentally become her best friend. She is also the twin soul of Jimmy - both of whom are solar & beer powered and the life of any party. Trausch has agreed to get herself ordained by one of those online sites to marry Jimmy & Chelsie on their big day. Her expertise as a C.O.W. will shine through - as the couple has requested ceremony "volunteers," a science experiment if possible & keeping the crowd highly engaged. She has also agreed to give poke tattoos to anyone who may want one to remember the weekend by (pending a liability form, cause like, she doesn't want you to sue her). If Camp WebErnst is the first time you are meeting Trausch, expect her to be your best friend by the end.
CAMP NAME: BRODY or MONKEY or FROG DOG
Broderick Gryffindor Webster Ernst (Brody) is the eldest son of Jimmy & Chelsie. Brody has scaled mountains, seen the world, and chased MANY squirrels, but this will be his very first wedding AND his very first plane ride! His energetic, cuddly and, at times, reckless personality is the perfect mascot for Camp WebErnst - his hope in this very important role is to keep everyone inspired to try new things and make new friends. Oh, and he would love to formally offer his services to clean up any scraps and sit on any laps, as these are his specific areas of expertise!
CAMP NAME: FUZZ
Congratulations Mr. Ernst. You are the fattest boy in camp. Acquiring Fuzz as our Fattest Boy was a big win, and cost us most of our camp counselor budget to lock in his services, but considering he was the only option that checked all of our boxes (Bull Rider, light criminal record, knowledge of all public stairwells in Cincinnati, completed marathon with a duct taped leg, has caught over 500 frogs, founding member of FISH, expansive costume bucket, brother of the groom, overall good person, member of the democratic society of Reading) we spared no expense to get him on retainer. You can expect to see Fuzz around the campsite, managing all of the standard duties that come with the title of Fattest Boy; speeches, guarding the rings, making out with an inappropriate member of the wedding party, and overall camp master of ceremonies (non THE Ceremony division). With one of the best collections of wigs in all the Midwest (see expansive costume bucket requirement), we feel very confident that Fuzz will be able to wear all the different hats that are required of a Fattest Boy in Camp!
CAMP NAME: KELSIE
Kelsey (or Kelsie - which ever you prefer) is Chelsie's sister. Not like, biological sister. It's not like Sue had two girls and named one Chelsie and one Kelsey (although, she did name boys with very similar names - so I guess I wouldn't put it past her?) Rather, Kelsey is Chelsie's life long best friend who also happens to be married to Chelsie's brother Jaren, making the two Elsiey's Sisters-in-law & Sisters-in-life! Kelsey is the most energetic, lovable, belly laughing human you will ever meet. She isn't someone you even need to ~become~ friends with, she enters into every interaction as though you are already her friend. She has been named Water Tzar of Camp WebErnst because she will drink you under the table - if you are both drinking water. So, if this hyper, smiling, human yells at you to drink more water - you better listen! No hangovers at Camp WebErnst allowed! #Hydrate
CAMP NAME: PANTS MAN
doo-doo-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-doo-doo doo-doo-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-doo-doo PANTS MANNNN!!! (Sung to the tune of batman) is the theme song we gave to Chelsie's youngest brother Jansen when he was a baby. Yet, 25 years later he still responds to "Hey Pants!" If you have never met Jansen, you are in for a TREAT as he is literally the best of us. Us siblings can count on one hand the times Jansen has been mean or rude or really anything with any slight towards the negative. He is quick to make strangers into friends, easy to please and genuinely happy to make others happy. Jansen is Head of Friendship for obvious reasons and it might be the most natural title he's ever had.
CAMP NAME: MARLEE
Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American. With credentials like this, not to mention being the mayor of Psychoville, Mary Lee was the obvious choice to head the camp's Intramural division. And even though it's been half a century since we took home the trophy in the end of camp Apache Relay, we expect her to cook up the perfect recipe to help us knock off Camp MVP this year. What a sports nut, eh!?
CAMP NAME: JSECOR
Currently residing in Boston, Jordan will be the resident expert on the subtle flavors of a pale ale, the correct form of a running whip stich, and the pre-revolutionary utopia and the capital forming effects of military mobilization on the market economy of the southern colonies. A brilliant surgeon and consummate student, mostly of Medicine and Gordon Wood, Jordan may be most famous for helping to pioneer the world renowned "Honk and Wave" technique, that is still widely used on the streets of Columbus, Chicago, and Boston to this day.
CAMP NAME: KERM (Kermy, Kermit, etc.)
Kermy is another human that was collected by Chelsie via COSI. Chelsie was scared of Carmen at first, (she was just so cool!) but after a year of working with her she realized that the cool exterior was just an overlay of the weirdest and most wonderful human. She is the perfect mix of sassy, quirky & sweet - our real life sour patch kid. Carmen & Chelsie grew their friendship as the "single ones" in the friend group for years - talking (& crying) many nights about finding and losing love. So it's only right that in the same year Chelsie found Jimmy, Carmen found her Madison. And in the same year (this one), both couples were/are to be married! Carmen is Chelsie's friend who's passions and interests are always overlapping - from traveling, to reading, to hiking, and crafting. But most of all, Carmen's Italian cooking genes go deep, teaching all of us friends how to make new & yummy things in the kitchen regularly - that's just Kerm Kerming (yes, her name is also a verb) So she can do anything in any kitchen at Camp WebErnst. Also, "cafeteria lady" just feels weirdly like her ~vibe~.
CAMP NAME: MOMMA
Before she was the crazy dog lady, Sue was the crazy mom lady! Actually, she wasn't that crazy... she was, like, "a cool mom." Chelsie & Sue have been besties ever since Chelsie can remember - and in high school Chelsie decided that if she were ever lucky enough to be married someday, that she would want her mom by her side not just as "the mother of the bride" but as the best friend to the bride that she has always been. So, while she is many things - Mom, Grandma, Dog Mom, Dog Grandma - she is also a true friend. Oh, and she has repeatedly told all of us humans that she much prefers her children with 4 legs, so she has been given Brody to care for as to not go into withdrawal being away from her dogs for more than 24 hours! Wish her luck!
CAMP NAME: JBON, JOMBO
John Bon, Chelsie's middle brother, has always been more animal than human. For example, as a child, he would put a leash & collar on himself and asked to be called "Beethoven" - LOL I'm mostly telling you all that story to embarrass him, feel free to mention it. But seriously, while Johnny can seem quiet to us homo-sapiens, spend 10 minutes with the guy and you'll realize he can actually be pretty funny (funny lookin!! got ya again dummy). Ok Ok Ok, for real, Johnny is Chelsie's charming, sweet, silly brother who always keeps the group atmosphere light. He is both a champion at basketball and at napping. And if you need help charming a creature while at Camp, call Johnny! Spider in your shower - Johnny! Birds chirping too loudly in the morning - John Bon! Bear trying to break into your car - JomBo! He is here for every animal need you may have during your stay at Camp, annnny at all!
CAMP NAME: AMO
Don't be alarmed if you see the ghost of Steve Prefontaine jogging through the grounds in Nike gear. That's just Aaron, our resident PNW expert. At the time of the wedding, Aaron will have resided in Portland for a whole 7 months, but will certainly be able to point you in the direction of the best local brewery or dog friendly hike. With an extensive knowledge of all 42 seasons of Survivor, Aaron is the heavy favorite to find the hidden immunity idol and #blindside you at the tribal council, even if it's just a regular campfire. He is also in preliminary talks with J.K. Rowling to fill the role of Jim Dale in the next generation recordings of the Harry Potter audible books, and will be offering his narrative services upon request.
CAMP NAME: YESICA
Young Jessica has traversed our beautiful planet in both the literal and figurative senses, and despite her youth, has the wisdom and life experience of an ancient shaman or Tibetan monk. In her travels she has had extended stays in both Costa Rica and the Philippines, learning the local customs and the healing touches practiced among the locals. She was even given a traditional Butbut headhunters tattoo by world renowned tattoo artist Wang-od. Her most recent travels have led her to the exotic and dangerous shores of American Florida, where she is learning some of the local traditions revolving mostly around amusements parks, alligator jerky, and the tribal tradition where the young (and old) men take place in an ancient right of passage simply know as "The Florida Man Challenge". Jessica has seen and done nearly everything, so whether you are looking for some of eastern medicine's most tried and true cures for a hangover, or prefer to learn about the powerful healing attributes of the humble North American Psilocybe cubensis, Jess is your source of truth!
CAMP NAME: LYSSA
As a kid, Chelsie would say "Hey Lyssa!" and Alyssa would respond with "ITS AAAAAA - LYSSA" yet, against her wishes, the shortened nick-name stuck! Lyss came into this world about 6 months after Chelsie which meant that they lived much of their entire lives together - attending all of the same schools & even the same university. Alyssa's joie de viv is infectious and a little bit suspect... no one that tiny should have that much energy & excitement! She will both lap you on a run and out dance you on the dance floor - all in the same day. If you need a hiking buddy, a game night partner, someone to do a bit of yoga with or to try something new with - Alyssa is your girl! She makes anything and everything fun and full of life - and Camp WebErnst will be no exception!
CAMP NAME: CANDY ASS
Don't let this Orange County mother of two fool you. Despite being a beach living, SUV driving, Chipotle executive working Californian, this girl was born and raised on the hardened streets of Deer Park, Ohio and grew up to the rough and tumble street music of productions like RENT! While her brooding, other-side of the tracks mystique makes her a must invite for any drama filled Real Housewives cotillion, it's safe to say they mumble "Chino" behind her back. With a weekend away from her, admittedly adorable daughters, Lincoln and Elliot, if you're looking to chug Four Loko from a brown paper bag and bust out your favorite moves from "Step Up 2: The Streets", Candy-Ass is your go to.
CAMP NAME: Jare Bear (J.B.)
Jaren is Chelsie's most annoying little brother - both because he came into this world one year after her (ruining her year of peace as an only child) AND because she predicted he would be a criminal as an adult and he turned out to be a lawyer *insert eye roll.* Jaren & Chelsie are a classic example of kids who were literally each other's sworn enemy who turned into adults who can sometimes enjoy each others company! Jaren & Chelsie both love science and podcasts and talking about the science topics we learn about on podcasts. If you have a question about, literally anything, Jaren is your guy. 10 points to the person who can stump him first!
CAMP NAME: DREEZE
Audrey "Dreeze" Beam is the genius behind the beautiful, hand-painted invitation you received. WE WILL NOT EVER BE OVER HOW OBSESSED WE ARE WITH IT. Audrey joined the COSI team, where she and Chelsie met in 2014. After a year on the team, Chelsie was lucky enough to move in with this insanely cool human - living together as roommates for years - becoming as close as sisters, neither of which had any growing up! On every trip they took together, Audrey was the grounding force to Chelsie's more lackadaisical approach - ensuring no one was taken, consulates were on speed dial, and that safety was the number one priority. So, making her "Safety Officer" for Camp WebErnst is really just putting a title on the role she would have played without anyones permission. So, unless you would like to sit out the next game of capture the flag, no improper burning of things, don't go into the woods alone, keep food bear safe and drink plenty of water! Thank goodness for this human keeping us all alive and well during our lives/wedding festivities. Oh, and do be sure to ask her about her policies on the camp game Sardines.
CAMP NAME: Beck Bear
Just as mall Santas are not realllly Sant Claus, Brian is not realllly Smokey the Bear, but he is one of his many little helpers, and he'll be reporting all camp infractions back to the big bear himself! Most of Brian's fire safety experience was developed in the back woods of Colorado, being the first of our friends to pursue his manifest destiny and hitch up the wagons and head west (even managing to avoid dysentery on the way). Brian's move to the mountains helped us Ohioans learn many things, namely that Kansas is in fact flyover country (seriously the worst, avoid at all cost), the awe inspiring beauty of the mountains, and most importantly, it doesn't matter if you're on skis or not, going to Perfect North or Snow Trails certainly does not qualify as skiing. While Brian is way more Teddy than Grizzly these days, if the bear feels poked, by either your lack of fire safety...or say sitting alone...by himself...in the dark!!! be prepared to see the brute strength and fury of our Smokey the Bear.
CAMP NAME: Suzy Q
A man who is not afraid to feel his feelings was the obvious choice to head the camp's human resources division. His profound mastery of the human condition has been curated through years of studying some of the great romantics (comedian chapter) of our time. Giants like Grant (Hugh), Witherspoon (Reese), and of course Roberts (Julia), produced in Andrew a sense of optimism and expectation that have led many to label him the preeminent hopeless romantic of the 21st Century. The hunger for affirmation of his beliefs led Andrew to, for the first two years of Jimmy and Chelsie's relationship, live amongst them and observe their behaviors. And just like the Gorilla's eventually accepted Jane Goodall as their own, Andrew was eventually recognized as a true third wheel of the relationship. After years of living amongst the WebErnst, Andrew eventually re-emerged into the western world proclaiming that, "yes, love is real", and began his own quest for the elusive beast (hi Emily).